Hi. Yes, it’s me here again. I’ve been absent from my Blogland for (gulp) six months. Believe me, it’s not due to lazines. It was down to an unexpected and increasing lack of confidence. My fear of stepping back into the writing again. Let me explain.
The first three months of 2018 were a bit horrific for me. Out of the blue, I was out of action with three consecutive bouts of cellulitis, which knocked my energy for a long time afterwards. Pear-shaped first quarter, to say the least.
When I recovered mentally, wanting to write again, I found a huge resistance and fear. My confidence in my ability to connect with folk had disappeared. This was compounded by thoughts of ‘why would anybody want to read my writing – what do I have to say that people want to know about?’ Yada Yada Yada. And the months of no blog went on.
I stayed ‘safe’ in that space, not allowing myself to take the risk of writing again. I let myself become small inside, limiting myself. Tying myself up in knots, tighter and tighter all the time. I knew intellectually I was allowing this to happen, but simply couldn’t see any different way of being. I had several people contacting me to ask when the next blog was going to come out, when the next online programme is going to be. And I just could not see my way to doing anything like that.
The Cyclone of Perfection
However! As you’ll know, if you know me at all, I’m not one to stay still for long. As I began to recover physically, I decided I needed to do something drastic, and much to my own surprise, joined our local Gym here in Holywood. I’ve been going there now twice a week for a few weeks. And it’s making a difference in all sorts of ways.
Apart from the obvious (sore muscles!), I’ve begun to feel stronger and different physically. My intention is to build up stamina and strength, am doing lots of weights and already am seeing an improvement in my lifting capacity.
And the most significant difference? I can feel my resistance to my writing decreasing. For the past few days I’ve been hhemming and hhawwing, really wanting to put some words out, to start writing again, and most important, to reconnect with you. So I gave myself an aim to do this by end of day May 31.
And then – guess what? You’ll know – I found myself in the Cyclone of Perfection. Do you like that phrase? It popped out of my fingers when I was writing my journal on Tuesday last. Feel free to use it.
For me it means I was wanting to write the very best set of words, the most perfect idea, the words that would make the most difference. And sure enough, I found myself in the cyclone of wondering, worrying and wandering around in my mind – but not doing any actual writing!
Until today, during my Personal Quiet Time (ie meditation) – in a moment of realisation – I recognised I was allowing myself to limit myself again. Or beginning to do that. Ok. Enough already.
And so, here we are. These are maybe not the best / most perfect / most anything words. But the energy I feel as I write them is glorious. I really hope they make sense and connect with you.
My Invitation to You
My invitation to you is to recognise how you are, your default patterns. If they no longer serve and honour who you want to be – and not who you think others want you to be – do something drastic to change your energy force. Doesn’t have to be to join a gym – even making a commitment to take yourself for a solo 45min walk every day, and honouring that commitment – will change your energy.
And then just go ahead and do what you’ve been resisting doing – let yourself be fully alive.
I’d love to receive your thoughts on this. Email me on firstname.lastname@example.org.
With love, and thanks.
PS: I’m sooooooooo chuffed – this is going out into the world before my aimed-for time – May 31 midnight! Woohoo. Isn’t that sense of achievement great, when you keep your commitment to yourself!
©Dancing Leopards Ltd